Surgical Spanish

Hi readers,

There are many things I am very tolerant about when it comes to my mediocre ability to speak Spanish. 

Server didn't understand I'm a vegetarian? Not a big deal. 

Cab driver takes the long way? I get it. 

Usually, I try to consider it an engaging challenge, like talking to people is a puzzle with lots of moving parts that don't fit together and I get to smile and laugh helplessly. Fun! (See vaguely related post here.  And here.)

But-after some stupidly brave attempts at Spanish hospital visits during my first year in Spain, I realized that I draw the line at my medical appointments. Going to the doctor in Spanish really freaks me out. 

That obvious fact plus a busy schedule is a perfect recipe for intimidating, longstanding medical problems.

This last week I made my first attempt to deal with an adorable little varicose vein that has been on the inside of my left thigh for...ahem...2 years. Yes, I've been monitoring it for growth and check with our school nurse (who I basically consider my general physician) to make sure it didn't seem cancerous, but it seemed time to get it looked at.

Here's a step-by-step breakdown:

Step 1: Use Spanish healthcare website to try and find English speaking doctor (Time on to do list: 4 months.  Time to attempt and realize I didn't want to go to a random internet doctor: 10 minutes)

Step 2: Go to school nurse AKA general physician and have her recommend English speaking doctor ( Time on to do list: 2 months. Time to complete: 10 minutes)

Step 3: Have nurse set up appointment (2 minutes)

Step 4: Attend appointment, where doctor tells me he speaks no English and proceeds to detail what is wrong with me and set up an appointment FOR MY LEG SURGERY in Spanish (1 hour)

Step 5: Go back to school nurse (Her name is Mamen, which I'm relatively sure is Spanish for 'angel sent from heaven to deal with my annoying questions').  Have her call doctor to translate why I need to go to a hospital. (I day)

Step 6: Meet Spanish doctor (now much more agreeable about speaking a small amount of English) in hospital for one veiny lump removal and 6 stitches (1 hour) 

The good news?  I learned lots!

Lesson 1: Spanish OR nurses like to say 'Jolene' (can be translated to 'oh hell') while they are in charge of cauterizing leg tissue WHILE THEIR PATIENTS ARE AWAKE UNDER LOCAL ANESTESIA)

Lesson 2:  I can deal with complicated stuff in Spanish by asking for lots (and lots and lots...) of help.  Very empowering.

Lesson 3:  It's very satisfying to take control of health care decisions and procedures (or at least, to have the very nice school nurse do it for you).  It takes a village. 

Lesson 4: If you really want to know if your doctor speaks English, don't speak to him in Spanish.  (I don't mean to be culturally insensitive.  Someone actually told me this and it was important to consider.)

Lesson 5: Having something on a to-do list doesn't mean a thing until I am actually ready to do it...then things start happening pretty fast. (see related thoughts about to do lists here)