Always Be Nice

...even when you don't like the person you are talking to.  Even when you're bored and hungry and late for something.  Even when the November doldrums set in and instead of being nice you are just desperately trying to get from one cup of vodka wine coffee tea...yeah...tea to the next without losing your mind. Why, you ask?  Well, funny enough I have been asking myself the same thing lately (the above scenarios are not simply a matter of blog-land fiction).  Here's why I think it's important to be nice:

1. It's good for your blood pressure. When I am having a pleasant conversation with someone, I notice my breathing slow down and my whole body relax.  When I am annoyed, I tense up and get all squinty-eyed like a feral cat (not a good look--in addition to high blood pressure, it gives me meanness bags around my eyes that no Chanel cream can wipe away).

2. It's attractive to be nice.  People notice how you behave.  If you are smiling and being friendly, even though you would rather be ripping your toenails out with a dull knife than listening patiently to some idiot explain (insert dim, obtuse topic here), people want to talk to you.  OTHER people. Interesting, possibly cute/rich/intellectually stimulating single men type people.  So smile and look attentive for 5 minutes.

3. Nice is fabulous.  The goal is to be fabulous.  Mean is kryptonite, the anti-fabulous, the wrinkly, bitter, haggard older sister of fabulous that people simply tolerate.  Everyone wants to be around nice people. And one day you might stop being such a b*tch and decide you want some more friends. So suck it up and stop being so condescending.

More advice on HOW to be nice (EVEN in winter, EVEN when hungover, EVEN when the salesperson at H&M won't let you bring all your damn clothes in the fitting room) are coming soon. Stay tuned! 

Passion vs. Busy-ness

Tim Kreider recently wrote an opinion piece for the NY Times titled "The Busy Trap".  If you are too lazy to click the link (or if you clicked the link but got distracted by the Prada handbag Scientific American popup ads...), you can read my summary below:

People create busy-ness for themselves.  Busyness is an annoying, distracted state that allows people to focus on being annoyed and distracted instead of processing any real information or real life experiences.  Mr. Kreider makes a particularly striking and beautiful point about feeling like he has to shout over the self-imposed hysteria of "busy-ness" in order to make simple plans with friends.

The idea of busy-ness taking the place of real experiences resonates with me as a stressed, type A New Yorker in a tremendous way.  I recently moved across the ocean to escape the busy New York life style and, guess what?  The lifestyle followed me to Spain! I've become so accustomed to filling up my days with activities that I continued on the same trend almost immediately the second I set foot on European soil.



Here's the problem: It's easy to be busy.  It's difficult to be SATISFIED with your life and feel you are pursuing worthwhile activities. Fulfillment does not come from filling up the hours on your calendar. Fulfillment comes from enjoying the activities you pursue both personally and professionally.



I have made a decision to stop seeking out busy-ness and start seeking PASSION. Basically it was either that or grind my teeth into dust trying to keep up with an impossible schedule.  I had a flash of blinding inspiration and realized I quite like my teeth, so getting out of the stress-ocean of busy-ness was the logical choice. Mediterranean Sea of Passion, here I come....


To start seeking passion, I have a 3-step plan (In my defense, I cut it down from 5 to 3 in the interest of distillation and "un-busy-ness")

1. Slow down.  It is important to breathe.  Every minute of every day.  It is difficult to breathe when you are simultamously e-mailing, texting, eating a snack, drinking a coffee, booking a flight to Brussels, crossing items off a to-do list and talking on the phone.  I am going to focus on doing one thing at a time and doing it SLOWLY in order to enjoy my e-mail/text/coffee/sense of satisfaction with my to-do list.

2.  Pick and Choose.  In our world of continuous, endless streams of information, it becomes continually more difficult to prioritize.  Just because an activity is listed on the internet, or a new recipe comes up on glamour.com NYTimes Cooking Blog, doesn't mean I need to participate.  I have activities and routines I enjoy (and it took a long time to figure out what they are).  I want to let everything else go and focus on the things that make me happy.  This step may be pretty intense, because picking and choosing the things that make me happy mean I need to alter my lifestyle.  There will certainly be more written about Step 2 as I have time to reflect (see below).

3. Reflect.  The power of reflection is part of the beauty of life.  It is that quiet time when deep, surprising connections are made.  It's important for the brain and the spirit. It is the essence of the Mediterranean Sea of passion.  Just sit and look and clear your mind....everything else can wait.

Multiple Intelligences

For those of you not lucky enough to be high school teachers or possibly work in human resources, you may not be aware of Professor Howard Gardner's Theory of Multiple Intelligences. Gardner, a long-time Harvard professor, applied his his ivy league mind in the early 1980's to describing what exactly it is that makes people successful at being human beings (noting perhaps, that even at Harvard there were "smart" people that were not able to communicate or "poor" people that were somehow able to pass the admissions testing...etc). His efforts are summarized below:

Obviously, it seems possible from reading skimming this information that there is one more than one a person can present themselves as intelligent.  Educators generally use this information to create lessons that appeal to a large variety of different types of learners. A student who is not interested in reading a passage may be interested in drawing about it, your children may not have ADHD HSD ASTMS, etc, they may simply excel in a type of intelligence that is not measured with normal school testing (but if they have trouble concentrating in school before age 3 you should obviously still get them tested for heavy medication, otherwise what will you talk about with the other parents?). 

What type of intelligence do you think you excel in?  It's interesting that after reading this list, a person can often suffer through a few minutes of introspection and classify themselves better in regard to their intellectual strengths and how they learn.  

You can also take this quiz to help yourself along with your assessment. 

Interesting Questions for Friday Happy Hour

Friday afternoon happy hour is important. It is a chance to get to know the people that you work with on another level.  This, in turn, WILL allow you to work better with them.  If you use happy hour to your advantage and make sure people like you.  And you know what people like at happy hour? Interesting conversations!

It is the curse of the Friday afternoon happy hour--the awkward conversation with the boring coworker.  Luckily, my co-workers are fabulous (hi, co-workers!) but for those of you not so lucky, happy hour is an important time to be well-versed in your communication skills.  No one wants to talk about work and if you don't have something interesting to say you will just sip your cocktail through that teeny wrinkle-inducing straw, feeling stupid and boring in equal measure. Friday afternoon is NO time to feel stupid and boring.  Save that sh*t for Monday.

Here are some conversation starters that will allow you to truly relax, seem interesting and avoid talking about work:

1) What are you doing this weekend?  
If they say nothing, keep at it.  "Oh, just relaxing, that's so nice. Do you have a good book to read?"  They are, in fact, doing SOMETHING this weekend, you just need to dig a little to find out what it is.  Think of this conversation like a treasure hunt, where the treasure is dragging moderately interesting information out of people.

2) Did you learn anything new/interesting this week?
Someone asked me this during lunch one day recently, and I was blown away by the level of conversation this simple question allows for. You could also ask a variation, like "What was the best/most interesting part of your week?" to avoid the short "No" response popular with boring people.

3) Have you ever been here before?
Who knows, you might get a funny story out of someone. Again, if they say no, don't be deterred, continue with something like "Where do you like to hang out?".  Remember, they have SOMETHING to talk about, you just have to figure out what it is.

4) Do you want to play a game? 
Get your mind out of the gutter. Suggest a stupid word game like "Would you rather" or "Live, Vacation, Never Go" (the clean version of "Screw, Date, Kill").

5) Did you read the article/see the exhibition/hear about the guy who....?
When all else fails, start talking about yourself. Think about something you read or did recently or a story you heard.  Remember, YOU are interesting and fabulous.  Find something to say.

When all else fails....
In really desperate situations, excuse yourself with decorum simply by saying "Excuse me".  Maybe they are having a bad day or trying to hit on the bartender and you are in their line of eye contact. Who cares? You don't need to suck down your drink to make up an excuse to leave.  Seriously, those straws give you wrinkles. And at least you tried. And hey, tomorrow's Saturday!

Happiness is...

Hi readers,

For what it's worth, I've had a challenging month.  I packed my life up into some suitcases, moved to a new country where I don't speak the language, found a new apartment and started a new job.  The changes have left my head spinning at the end of most days and given a new depth to those all-important 3 little words: emotional roller coaster.


I am generally a very happy person.  This month has tested my ability to stay happy in the face of massive, decisive life changes. I have never been so uncertain about my direction, my ability to succeed and the general strength of my character as I have been while walking, tired and alone down (beautiful) foreign streets, single and trying to fit in with an entire new culture worth of people.

I've been reflecting a lot on my happiness.  I realized, more than anything else, happiness is a choice.

Happiness is a choice. 

This is scientific proof that happiness is a choice 

(via the wellspring of scientific research known as the Huffington Post)

The all-powerful wizzard of Oz (aka Arianna Huffington) absolutely nailed it with this article.  The suggestions features editor Carolyn Gregoire gives are all wonderful.  Take the time to read it!  Or, read my budget interpretations below, in my newly created, hot off the presses fingertips...drumroll please.....

HAPPINESS OATH

1.  Self-Reflection

I will not be afraid of self-reflection and I will always try to end reflection in a place of joy

2.  Laughter

I will laugh at least once a day, preferably at a time when I would rather scream or cry

3.  Presence 

I will live in the moment so I can enjoy time as it passes

4.  Relationships

I will cherish my family and my friendships

5.  Self-Respect

I will sleep well, exercise well, eat well and be thankful towards my beautiful body for all it can do 

What would you add?  Take away?  Comment below : )

New Job Anxiety and How to Overcome It

New things are scary. Just think about the last time you moved or switched hair stylists or the first hipster outfit you bought...scary scary scary.

As any fearless, fabulous, modern woman knows, scary and exciting are like Max and Caroline on 2 Broke Girls-they like to travel hand in hand, Laverne-and-Shirley style, shoving their skinny faces with amazing cupcakes. In other words--to have an exciting life, you need to grab scary for a high school make-out session and live out of your comfort zone.

A new job is the ultimate scary/exciting experience. By definition you must put your comfortable, fuzzy-blanket past behind you, step on some professional stiletto-clad toes, and unequivocally start over. There is no 'oh maybe I will come back to my old job with a drunken 3 AM phone call' wavering that stigmatizes leaving OTHER things behind. A new job is total sink or swim territory. 

So, how do you do it right?

Seeing as I'm starting a new job TOMORROW, this topic has been heavy on my mind. Here is some of my best advice:

1) Be organized. Make lists, take notes, write down people's names and take time to process new information. Clean your desk off at the end of the day and go through all your new papers, folders, binder clips. It will help you feel in control and will help you LOOK like you are in control, which is important because there are definitely people watching. Which brings us to point two...

2) Get there early, stay there late. Even if it's just for the first few weeks. Even if it's just a few minutes. It will help you get organized and people will definitely notice (in a good way, not like when you changed your stylist)

3) Be social. These people you are meeting, they are your new friends/work family AND a wonderful source of information about the copy machine, best lunch spot and the things the boss loves and hates. The best use of your time (after, of course, you get organized, which you will do early/late) is to be friendly and get to know them.

4) Remember: you know what you're doing. There is a reason you got hired. Transfer any skills possible from your old work.  Trust yourself, speak up (politely) in meetings if you think you have an important question or an idea worth hearing.

5) Smile.  Seriously. Put the resting-bitch-face away for a few weeks. While you are listening to people or meeting people or washing your hands in the restroom next to someone who may own a 51% share in your company, you need to smile. A good first impression is worth a little bit of that precious collagen. 

What other advice would you give someone on their first day of work (like me, on my first day of work...which did I mention is tomorrow? Time for bed!)

Seeking a Purpose

In considering my blog (in my adorable, self-involved way), I realized I have felt a little lost lately because my writing here has lacked purpose.  I don't know who I want my audience to be or why I want them to read.  Thoughts about ex-boyfriends?  Advice on the larger purpose of life?  Useful topographic maps of major international department stores?  It's just so hard to whittle down a focus!!


Thankfully, the internet exists to help answer
such questions.  I checked out The Mimialists "How to Start a Successful Blog" and felt immediately inspired and rejuvenated. After several page redirects and some careful thought I recalled my purpose.  I want to give funny, insightful advice on life to women in their 20s and 30s.  If you don't need advice, more power to you! Congratulations! You can can download online Sephora coupons by clicking here.

If you are still with me, riddle me this: what do women want advice about?  So many things! Men. Shoes. Work. Family. Friends. Cooking. Interesting conversations. Financial advice.

How to live a more meaningful existence?  I realized I've been writing a lot about this lately.  Obviously I should knock it off and write more about shoes and cooking (for financial advice, check out Paula Pant and Afford Anything-she does better than I ever could!).  But, before I get off my #deepthoughts kick, here is one more round of advice for a more purposeful existence.

3 STEPS TO A MORE PURPOSEFUL EXISTENCE 

1) Take a Step Back.  Life is a series of moments.  If you never step back to consider how the moments are connected, it's easy to drift.  Take time to pause and reflect.  Set goals and refer to them. Don't be afraid to start out in a new direction if you feel like you're not achieiving your maximum potential.  Take it from a girl who just dropped a wonderful life in NYC like a bad habit and hopped the pond--change is good.

2) Find something big to believe in.  God.  Art.  Nature.  Facebook.  All of the above.  Find deeper meaning by connecting your random time on this planet to something bigger than yourself.  When you are drawing connections in your life, it is helpful if you have something to connect them TO.

3) Surround yourself with interesting conversation.  Yes, this means you need to read the news.  READ THE NEWS.  Go to art galleries, operas, pop music concerts, new restaurants, free book readings.  What else do you have to talk about?  Turn off your TV, unplug your computer and go do something. Hasta luego!